Do you ever feel overwhelmed trying to fulfill your yearly patriotic duties? Attending 4th of July BBQs, protests, and watering your American flag so that it grows big and strong can take thousands of hours! What if I told you that in only two and a half hours you could fulfill the patriotic duties of an entire year? Then I have the movie for you! Allow me to suggest Independence Day (1996), the most patriotic movie ever made. Watch Independence Day once and fulfill your patriotic duty for a year.
Much like how watching The Nativity Story (2006) can fulfill your Christian duty for an entire year (and earn the contempt of you grandma), Independence Day is so jam-packed with patriotism, it pays ideological dividends. For the people that do not know the plot of Independence Day (cultists living in a Minnesota compound, particularly devout Old Order Amish, my girlfriend), it’s the touching story of how the entire
world comes together to kill a bunch of aliens and liberate the planet on America’s birthday.
It has a star-studded cast, such as professional offspring shiller Will Smith, surprisingly tall Jeff Goldblum, and Bill Pullman, who I IMDBed to (unsuccessfully) find something funny to say.
It has all the hallmarks of excellent cinema, such as metaphors. When Will Smith goes to the crashed spaceship, punches the Alien, and says, “Welcome to Earth,” this is a metaphor for how George Washington surprised and “punched” the British by crossing the Delaware River. Furthermore, Area 51 plays a prominent role in the film. This is called foreshadowing and it predicts the prominence of the 2019 meme. Or not, I was never good at literary analysis in high school.
What are some more examples of the patriotism? The title literally starts with explosions and the American flag on the moon. Next major scene change is the Marine Corps memorial. When America is attacked, we respond by nuking the assholes. F18s, a classic American fighter jet, are used in the final attack on the alien spaceships. This is pretty badass. All the relevant parts of the movie take place in America. That’s where we, and patriotism, live. The entire premise of the title, and the movie, is that America leads the world it killing a bunch of Aliens on its birthday. That is very patriotic. First Blood (1982) in the Rambo series is considered an American Icon and that movie has an anti-war message. You don’t have to worry about any of that nonsense in Independence Day. I have never actually seen First Blood, so if I missed the mark
that’s on me, but confidence in the face of ignorance is also a patriotic American trait. Finally, the President, before leading the world in his fighter jet to fuck up some aliens, gives a speech about how the 4th of July is no longer America’s impedance day, but the world’s.
Next time you are spending six hours at an Old Navy trying to find matching American flag outfits for your family, remember you could instead spend 2 hours
and 25 minutes illegally streaming Independence Day and fulfill your entire patriotic duty for the year.
-Warren
Artless Troglodyte Media 