Watch Independence Day Once and Once and Fulfill Your Patriotic Duty For A Year [CAVE DIVE]

Do you ever feel overwhelmed trying to fulfill your yearly patriotic duties? Attending 4th of July BBQs, protests, and watering your American flag so that it grows big and strong can take thousands of hours! What if I told you that in only two and a half hours you could fulfill the patriotic duties of an entire year? Then I have the movie for you! Allow me to suggest Independence Day (1996), the most patriotic movie ever made. Watch Independence Day once and fulfill your patriotic duty for a year.

Much like how watching The Nativity Story (2006) can fulfill your Christian duty for an entire year (and earn the contempt of you grandma), Independence Day is so jam-packed with patriotism, it pays ideological dividends. For the people that do not know the plot of Independence Day (cultists living in a Minnesota compound, particularly devout Old Order Amish, my girlfriend), it’s the touching story of how the entire
world comes together to kill a bunch of aliens and liberate the planet on America’s birthday.

It has a star-studded cast, such as professional offspring shiller Will Smith, surprisingly tall Jeff Goldblum, and Bill Pullman, who I IMDBed to (unsuccessfully) find something funny to say.

It has all the hallmarks of excellent cinema, such as metaphors. When Will Smith goes to the crashed spaceship, punches the Alien, and says, “Welcome to Earth,” this is a metaphor for how George Washington surprised and “punched” the British by crossing the Delaware River. Furthermore, Area 51 plays a prominent role in the film. This is called foreshadowing and it predicts the prominence of the 2019 meme. Or not, I was never good at literary analysis in high school.

What are some more examples of the patriotism? The title literally starts with explosions and the American flag on the moon. Next major scene change is the Marine Corps memorial. When America is attacked, we respond by nuking the assholes. F18s, a classic American fighter jet, are used in the final attack on the alien spaceships. This is pretty badass. All the relevant parts of the movie take place in America. That’s where we, and patriotism, live. The entire premise of the title, and the movie, is that America leads the world it killing a bunch of Aliens on its birthday. That is very patriotic. First Blood (1982) in the Rambo series is considered an American Icon and that movie has an anti-war message. You don’t have to worry about any of that nonsense in Independence Day. I have never actually seen First Blood, so if I missed the mark
that’s on me, but confidence in the face of ignorance is also a patriotic American trait. Finally, the President, before leading the world in his fighter jet to fuck up some aliens, gives a speech about how the 4th of July is no longer America’s impedance day, but the world’s.

Next time you are spending six hours at an Old Navy trying to find matching American flag outfits for your family, remember you could instead spend 2 hours
and 25 minutes illegally streaming Independence Day and fulfill your entire patriotic duty for the year.

-Warren

CATS and Midway [FLOP or NOT]

Cats (December 2019) 

After the horrifying and widely mocked trailer, it seems pretty clear that this movie is lined up to be a flop. The weird cat people is a furry’s dream and a normal person’s nightmare and I do not think their are enough furries to propel this movie to success. The musical it chose to adapt also seems to be a fairly dated one that does not have the nostalgia power it needs to succeed. However, there are a couple aspects that may save the move. First, it has some good star power. It has Judy Dench, Ian McKellen, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, and Taylor Swift. This alone may get enough people to watch it. Secondly, it’s so perplexing and bizarre in its horrifying special effects, that it may get a lot of people to watch it from curiosity. I know that’s why I plan on seeing it. 

Midway (November 2019)

It looks like there is a new installment in the long and proud history of terrible WW2 Pacific movies. So far, only a teaser trailer has been released, so this review may be unduly harsh, but in the words of my great-grandfather, the takes can not be hot if you wait too long. It looks to have all of the factors to make a terrible war movie. Love story! Bad CGI (this may change by release)! Bad casting (Jonas brother)! Overly busy combat scenes! Bad writing (“Washington is wrong”)! All in all, it seems lined up to be an extremely forgettable movie. 

-Warren

Star Wars [RANKED]

Warren’s Take:

Episode 4: A flawless movie that perfectly executes its goal of being an homage to sci-fi B movies. 

Episode 5: An actual well written movie with iconic scenes.

Rogue One: A fresh-ish take on the Star Wars universe that ties in the old trilogy. 

Solo: The same as Rogue One. Respect for spending millions on correcting a scientific mistake in Episode 4.

Episode 6: Campier and more contrived than 4 and 5, but still an okay movie. 

Episode 3: A lot better than people give it credit for. 

Star Wars the Clone Wars: I like the TV show and this is the last spot before things get really bad. 

Episode 1: Apparently someone thought that the Star Wars universe needed racist caricatures. It really, really didn’t.

Episode 2: I don’t like sand.

Getting Stabbed in the Ears and Eyeballs

Episode 7: A New Hope, without the well written and memorable characters, setting, or acting. 

Episode 8: I am literally offended by anyone that says this is a good movie.

Jack’s Take:

Episode 5: Just perfect. Iconic and innovative yet adheres to the principles of excellent storytelling. The greatest second act of all time, and the highest point in the franchise. 

Episode 4:  A lot of original creative works aren’t transformational in their time. At best, a truly original work may gain some traction with critics or a small cult audience. Star Wars Episode 4 is one of those rare examples when a startlingly original creative piece not only is adopted, but changes its genre and industry upon its release. It’s the Beatles. It’s the Model-T. It’s fun and groundbreaking to this day. 

Episode 6: The third film is less groundbreaking than the first and lacks the tight, seamless storytelling of the second. It’s in the top three not because of how excellent it is, but rather because I’m not sure any of the others surpasses it.

Rogue One: The first (and only) of the films made after 1983 to balance fresh storytelling with striking yet familiar visuals. It’s the only film since the original that gets Star Wars going in a healthy, new(ish) direction. 

Caravan of Courage, an Ewok Adventure: Don’t sleep on this one. I haven’t watched this film in maaany moons, but still remember the characters as more relatable and the scenes more memorable than the films I have watched recently. 

Solo: A burned out middle school teacher has higher expectations for their Fortnite-obsessed students than I had for this movie. Thankfully, this allowed me to actually enjoy the film, and while I think it has several negatives, is a fun flick if you like the series, especially because it shockingly doesn’t ruin Han. 

Episode 1: Say you forgot your towel at the beach and had to get into your baking hot, possibly leather interior car wearing a wet bathing suit. That might suck. But if on the same day, you also got a stomach bug and smashed your fingers stuck in the small gap between a door and the door frame, the whole wet bathing suit thing wouldn’t be that bad. Compared to good Star Wars movies, Phantom Menace is rough. But compared to what’s about to happen to the franchise, it’s honestly pretty forgettable at worst and mindlessly entertaining at best. 

Episode 7: I can’t hate on 7 too much because it gave us back Star Wars. We got to watch *new* Star Wars movies that, shockingly, actually felt like Star Wars movies. Had 8 been better, I think it would have significantly elevated this film. Since that wasn’t the case, this one stands alone as a weird carbon copy of its predecessors. Still, I’ll never forget hearing those sweet, sweet X-Wings in the theater for the first time.

Episode 3: This is a very boring movie.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

-Darth Vader, Star Wars Episode 3

Episode 2. The best I can say about this move is that it’s memorable, and even then, “memorable” is far from a good thing. The fact that this was one of my favorites as a child makes me seriously question how I’ll look upon my judgments of today in the future.

Holiday Special: Featured all of the classic actors (at varying levels of sobriety), the format of Hee Haw (google it kids) and an original tune from Jefferson Starship, which is more than I can say about other films on this list.

Episode 8. I love, LOVE the concept of taking Star Wars in a fresh, new direction, which this film tried to do. Sadly, it’s fell so short in tone and story that it singlehandedly tanked the sequels. Possibly the most confusing tone of any of the films, which says a lot. Maybe in 10 years I’d place this movie higher on this list, but until then it’s consigned to the Sarlac pit.

Fritz’s Take:

I’m too busy to rank these movies, plus I think it’s stupid to “rank” the Star Wars movies. I’ve explained my view on that multiple times before.